(everything in parenthesis is a lie), or Things I ignored

Hi,

This is [awkward medical student who told me "good luck with whatever the f*** it is you are looking for] We dated about 3 times in December. Unfortunately, things did not work out. Perhaps we didn't have much in common in the end (besides a mutual interest in making out).

When you ended it, I never pursued friendship out of anger. Perhaps that was short-sighted of me. And I am finding myself a bit lonely now. And curious to know how things turned out for you.

Maybe this is a silly message. But if you are interested in reconnecting let me know.

[The guy who in a professional capacity would probably "accidentally" cut off my right foot instead of removing my appendix]


(and I said hit me baby, one more time)

thank you craigslist

The follow up to that job interview......

Ever seen when they make the girls on "America's Next Top Model" sell random products to them while they attack them? Now imagine its Van Diesel and you are shut in the basement with him for 40 min. Welcome to the scariest job interview I have ever had. I'm getting under the bed and I am not coming out

thank you craigslist

Even though no longer on match.com, who needs dates when one can have job interviews?

It was an interview for a personal assistant with the CEO of the fitness industry. The first thing he says to me as he places his beefy unclad arms around his head displaying his Van Dieslish muscles is: "I hope I do not smell, I was working out right before you got here. You do not smell me? That's good, I do not usually smell. I am not a smelly guy, I don't know why."
It was all downhill from there. He monologued about himself for 30 minutes straight. without asking me a single question. He kept interrupting himself to tell me about how the computer has a virus which threatens to take a picture of him unless he types a passcode in. He told me about all his projects and then about his failed television slot. After 1/2 he asks for my resume. He takes one look at it. Discovers that I have not been a personal assistant before and asks me why I came to the interview. His old personal assistant Charlotte looked at my application and sent me. He keeps telling "There must be some reason why Charlotte sent you.........." He tells me sell myself. One of the positive things I say about myself is that I am a fast thinker. Throughout the last part of the interview he would ask me multiplication questions to test this.

"So, are you still dancing? WHAT IS 7 X 7???????!!!!!!!! Why would you be good for this job? WHAT IS 3 X 4?????!!!!!"

The last thing he says to me is, "There must be some reason why Charlotte sent you..." I walk out of his office at 3:40. I get a text at 3:43 "Hello Emily, this is Jeff. Can you come back for a follow up interview tonight?"

thanks again

Sometimes I still get text messages at 3 AM from unknown numbers that say:
VEGAS FUCKIN ROCKS!!@@!!!

and I say Thank you, match.com

ps

A number that came back from the dead, I do not know who it is or whether I met him or not. Should never have deleted all those numbers. But my friend says that it is mean to unfriend so it is the only form of self-expression that I have. He asked me how I was, if I was done with my yoga master training, and if I was still in restaurants. I called him out on the fact that I was not training to be a jedi, and then proceeded to complain that I was still in restaurants. And then he asked me if I knew all the hot spots. I said no. I do not, never have, and never know the hot spots.
(I hate the night life, baby.
And I am not a NYC tour guide.)
I asked if he knew all the hot spots. He said no, that it was too cold. He said we should go out, when it was warm.
He said warmer was near to 60 to 50. So if an unknown number asks me out in a couple of months, I will say yes.
He seems my type of guy. (A bear.) Hibernation, this is what I like to hear.

speed dating backlash

Two friends who are girls go speed dating together. Almost all of the guys are insane. They like the same guy. One girl says: "Oh, you like that guy? Okay, you date him then." The other girl says: "Oh no, I have a good feeling about you guys, you go ahead and date him." So she does, but the other girl picks him as well. They tell each other their dating plans, and also fight about which one he likes more. "Oh, no, its YOU, guys only take girls dancing who they REALLY like, he's just taking me to dinner." The first girl really, really likes the guy after their date, but she is afraid that she made such as ass of herself on the first date that he will not be interested in her, and that will make her very upset. She realizes that her standards have been very low for men, and that this guy is way better than all of the men online and her ex boyfriend, and that she needs to raise her standards, although they are religiously incompatible. She tells her friend that the date went badly, even though she liked him. She was just so nervous because she wanted him to like her so much that she attempted to eat fish with chop sticks and in general acted like a character that should be played by drew barrymore. Her roommate advises her to tell her friend not to date him, but she won't do it because she does not want to be a dog in the manager and not have her friend date him because she was such an awkward mess. She is pretty such that he will not call her again. Her speed dating friend responds in text message with: "I just bought a new sports bar and it gives me more cleavage than a push up, I need to find an outfit that goes with it, is he tall enough for me to wear heels? I don't remember." This makes her cry hysterically. Her friend sends another text saying "Oh, its sooo slippery out, I'm going to kill myself wearing heels." The girl does not respond with "Good" but she thinks it.

The premise of a bad chick flick, or my actual life? You decide and I'll tell you if you're right.

the walrus said....

The end has come.

If you are ever on match.com, although, in fact, this will probably not apply, since everyone who is reading this will have not only read this blog, but is everyone who reads this blog is my friend, and none of my friends are ever single, do not forget to read the fine print. If you pay for 6 months and go for the 6 month guarantee, they will not tell you, or give you a count down.

Just one day I logged on, and it was all gone. The sexual predators, the stream of consciousness guys, the Tarzans, the script writers, the men petting large cats, all gone.

There is a void. Not only do I love my blog, but every night I come home, I check the gmail, I do a little face stalk, and then, nothing. There used to be so much more.

But not for the entertainment, not even for the blog can I justify the money.

We will all muddle through, somehow

I'm a loser!

I just looked at my inbox.

It is flooded with emails from men and administrators from speed-dating, match, chemistry, and eharmony.

I look DESPERATE.

I have become a serial dater.

Maybe I will try not dating anyone. This is my roommate's advice to me.

Basically she told me to try reverse psychology.......................................on the universe.

So if you're listening to me universe, and I know you're out there, I don't want a boy anymore. I also do not want a dance job, a yoga career, enough money to pay my rent, and I really, really, really don't want a lemon meringue pie, right now.

*Peers up at the sky, is it working?*

speed dating

Since I have yet to decide which side of the her/his gravestone I want to be buried on, I went speed dating instead.

So surreal. I went with a friend of mine and her two friends. So 4/12 of us were together. I was one station away from my friend and when it came up, I told them we were together. The girls told me afterward that I had broken the first rule of speed dating, do not talk about speed dating.

In passing, the first guy I spent 7 minutes with was a Greek from Athens. If I was superstitious, I would say that as a bad sign. Anyways, he joined the side of my detractors, there were less guys than girls and he ended up back at my station and rather than enduring another 7 minutes than me, he ran. No really, he sprinted and everyone looked at us. It. was. awesome.

Other than that, most of the guys were loony, but we have all had enough of making fun of loony guys, lets talk about the the nice guys. There were four out of fourteen guys that the four of us all agreed were the best by a lot. We all put them on our list. They all put us on theirs.

I am now supposed to go on dates with guys who I know are dating other girls, who I know. My friend even has the same name as me. The guy we both agreed was the best of the lot sent me an email and as I read it I thought to myself:
"I wonder if he just copied and pasted this to both of us. He wouldn't even have to change the name."
This does not work for me. I do not believe in astrology, but if I did, I would blame my jealous possessiveness on my scorpio sign.

The moral of the story is, do not go speed dating with one's friends. Go alone. And more importantly, never wear your favorite earrings. I lost one of mine, and few men are worth the loss of one's favorite earrings.

Ps, The guy I liked second best chose my friend and not me. Also, annoying. I have not come upon a situation fraught with more potential drama since my first Greek restaurant..

atonal

Right, so eharmony is not the way of the future. They had an extensive personality quiz. Which at first I thought was a good sign. They are dead serious about compatibility, unlike match.com:

"Match daily 5!
Emily! Meet Steve! He is also an oldest child! He enjoys a drink in a social setting! He also fancies felines! He breaths! He has the same amount of DNA, we hope! He smokes every day and has no picture and we realize that you set your profile settings not to be matched with either of these, but the similarities between you guys were so striking, we hoped your mutual love of cats would overcome these artificial boundaries you set for yourself..."

Haha only kidding! Match only gives you three criteria for matching, not five.

But then eharmony went on to get a bit terrifying and unnecessary with questions about how many children one wanted, one's blood type, and which side of the his/her gravestone one wanted to be buried on.

I stuck it through and filled out the whole thing to review my match for free, and waited two days to get matched with guys in places like Alabama, and Kentucky. What am I going to do? Fly to Kentucky to see of I like a guy I have never met before? Not going to work. Maybe speed dating is the way of the future, instead of websites. I wouldn't move to Kentucky for Johnny Depp....

this blog

So, I have been thinking about what to do with this blog.
Which dating site shall I look at next? Now that I can cross match off my list since I can attract the same level and response of men by walking into a college dive bar naked....
I thought about the free ones. But if match is the way that it is and costs what it does, how much lower will the quality be on the free ones? I mean, any lower and they'll have to be those people you comment and insult eachother on youtube videos:

"ivvyx1 (1 hour ago)
Girls, give that guy some serious pussy please. He deserves it, not that he would be in lack of it but anyway his singing sounds like he hasn't quite yet gotten any. If he only knew what's coming sooner or later.

paris8miley (3 hours ago) 0 Reply
omg i looooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooove him ppl I 2 HAVE BIIIIIIIEBER FEEEVER AND HE IS SOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTy."

Anyway, enough of that. If single celled organisms could type. So since I fear that any lower than the denizens of match.com would be single celled organisms, I will not be joining the free ones. Maybe I'll join the second most popular dating website other than match, chemistry.com. I'll change the name of the blog. I'll ask my friends who know science a chemical formula that results in explosions, or big stenches.

Or maybe I'll join eharmony, ask my musical friends for chords that are non-harmonious...or maybe since there does not seem to be a happy medium between websites, speed dating will be the way of the future...

You know my name, baby look up the number

Oops. I got angry at men. Really very angry. So I went through and deleted all their numbers.
That was a mistake.
This is not the first time I have made this mistake.

Never do this. Even if you do not like them, keep their numbers or else if you are like me than curiosity if nothing else will keep you texting because I have to know who it is.

I am now getting text messages from I don't know who. Multiple people. At least two. I think they are match men. The thing is, I require a lot of attention and if they do not give it to me and then try to make a comeback two weeks later, three months later, I have already deleted their numbers in a snit.

I think, I will make plans to meet one of these mystery men. That will add an element of fun into the whole dating process. It will be like the dating show with the three bachelors behind the curtain.
I'm easily amused.

It....................might be hopeless

I think I might have to give up on this whole dating thing.

I was speaking to a couple of friends and the subject of cheating came up, I said cheating was bad, and I would never cheat. My friends looked at me like I had three heads. And then they said: "Wow, you should date this one guy who we are friends with, you guys have so much in common, he would never cheat either!"

I mean really, when this is a criteria for setting two people up.....

Well meant advice for men

There are some things a guy should try hard not to appear to the girl who he is dating. There are things that the girl should try as well, but this is man time and I am going to give them some advice.

ADVICE #1, DO NOT GIVE COMPLIMENTS IN THIS WAY

1. Give the following conversation snippit a cursory perusal and see if you can spot the error on the guy's part:

Guy:"I went to South America"
Girl:"Do you speak any Spanish?"
Guy: "I learned a few phrases, 'where is the bathroom,' 'You have the most beautiful eyes.'"
Girl: "Ah"
Guy: "You have the most beautiful eyes in New York City"

Can you spot the error were the gentleman left himself open to the possibility of the girl thinking he was a tad bit insincere?

2. DO NOT SEND TEXT MESSAGES LIKE THIS AFTER THE SECOND DATE, OR ACTUALLY ANY TIME, EVER:

Can you spot the text message that should not have been written?

Guy: "Want to come over after work?"

Girl's response:

["No thank you, I have work until late and we're busy"]

Guy: "I am listening to John Mayer and his voice is so pretty I think I might turn gay. Help me."

Girl's response: [Well, I do not want to be John Mayer's competition, he has such beautiful eyes"]

It is not often that one can come off as both gay and a sexual predator, but it can be done.

never pee

I was on a date.











(Get excitied, some of my best stories begin very similarly.)





I have a new dating tip for you.

Do not pee.

Just don't do it.

I was sitting on a couch with this guy. I said (Now this is where it starts to go downhill:

"May I use your restroom?"

Polite, right? Grammatically correct, you say?

Well.

(Now here is where I make my mistake.)

I peed.

Wait, I left some parts out.

I got up off the couch, I went out of the room to the bathroom, I peed.

I came back. He was lying down on the couch.

I looked at him and he said: "I lay down."

And I said: "Thank you, Capt. Really Bloody Obvious"

No I didn't. Not really. I said, "I see"

(We both have very good lines in this story)

Anyway, that is my story and its moral is, do not pee. Things can change rapidly for the worse.

No really, its true

I was out on a date and my date abruptly asked me what I was looking for in a man. I tried to talk my way out of answering this question, but my jedi mind powers did not work on this one.
So I said I was looking for someone to be comfortable with, someone I could trust and he interrupted me to say that my answer was boring and this was what everyone said. Maybe so. So I started to think about what we would say if we all answered that question honestly.

Date: "What are you looking for in a partner?"

Date-ee: The obligatory "Someone who I can be comfortable with, someone I can trust"

Various Translations of what this could really mean:

"Someone who will tell me what to do"

"Someone who I can tell what to do"

"Sex"

"Sex, actually"

"Love"

"Money"

"Someone who will love me/intensely want to suck my blood until I die a painful death"

"Children"

"Someone to show me around the city"

"Someone to fix all the problems"

"The answer to the meaning of life"

"A Jane Austen romance"

"A family"

"My father"

"Someone who will treat me badly"

"Drama"

"A fictional character out of a novel/romantic comedy"

"Anyone, because the person I really want is taken"

"Someone to make me feel attractive"

"Someone who has all my interests"

"Someone who will take care of me, because I am a total disaster"

"A total disaster so I can take care of them"

"Anyone, so that I do not have to feel bad about being alone"

"Well, everyone else has one..."

"Someone to party with"

"Give me your money"


And me: "someone who I can be myself with, someone who I can trust"

translation:

"Someone who I can be myself with, someone who I can trust"

karma save me now

When I was a child I used to save the spiders and dragon flies by pulling them out of webs before the spider got them.

Lets hope some of that karma comes to help me as I play that classic game I play with men, which involves me running away, a lot

the name game

So I am having trouble keeping the boys I am talking to apart.










I am a terrible person.

But this is how it goes. I date a guy a couple times and give him up in disgust swearing never to date again. I receive ten emails from new guys. I respond to eight of them. Six of them respond back. I make plans to see five of them. I actually date two of them. We think bad things of each other.
This is the circle of match life.
I am at the part where I am planning to meet five of them but have not yet, and I am bad with names and faces. Once I went on a date knowing that it could be one of two guys.

Once I walked into a bar and there were two Indian guys sitting at the bar.

Oh, crap.

They were both by themselves and by his picture he could have been either of them. That was the worst. In the end, I picked one and walked up to him. I just accepted that the next two minutes of my life could become my most cring inducing memories of my life up to this time.

I am still not sure I picked the right one. Maybe he just played along.

When I get disgusted and swear to never date again I delete everyone's number in one fell swoop. Sometimes they come back. There was this one guy who texted me after I had deleted all their numbers but I recognized him by his dorkiness and saved him as Luke. He texted me a couple of times but I'm hoping it will just fizzle, he keeps going out of town.
Yesterday I got this text from an unknown number and I asked him who he was. I knew it has to be a match guy. I felt badly, but I honestly did not know. Horror or horrors, he said his name was Luke. I only ever talked to one Luke.

Who the heck is the guy I am planning to meet up with whose number is saved under Luke?

santa purse

My roomamte has found out about match.com. I was showing her my potential dates, and we were discussing them and she named one guy "Santa Purse."
You know how one has code names with ones friends. Mostly so that one can be a dick and talk about the person in front of other people. In college we used to have lots. "Square ass" "Hot ass anger management" and they were not just all about asses either. We had "Campus Ministry boy" for those ireverent enough to look after him, "snaggle tooth" and MSG boy, etc etc.

Anyway, my roommate texted me and asked me about the dates I was setting up this weekend. I told her glasses boy was the same day as husky boy yada yada yada. She asked about Santa Purse and I went into my text messaging to figure out which one he was and when he was.

I texted her "Santa Purse" on Monday.
He texted back: "Santa Purse? I am sorry I do not have a santa purse."

I lose more dates that way.

guru

Since I have been on this website for so long I have decided to have a new approach and set myself up as a vetearn. Now I am getting emails from boys asking my advice with this website.
This is also entertaining.I give them advice on their pictures, their profile and their emails. I tell them about the types of men on match and how not to fall into those categories.

At least this was entertaining until my subscription read out, yesterday

wet kisses

Do you remember, when you were a young child, kisses from your mother, or your grandmother, or an aunt that you wiped off after they kissed you? Imangine my horror when at the age of 24 I go back to the era of wiping off kisses. My 6-year-old self is still on there, alive and disgusted.

(I do not think he noticed, I hope.)

wet octopus guy

So I was dating this guy and it was going REALLY BADLY.

We went on a first date, and I did not like it, the one involving a small dog in a christmas sweater, for all the many loyal readers out there. But he asked me out again, and maybe one date is not all the chance one should give a person, so I went out again.

And I still didn't like him.

After the second date so I was just going to let it fizzle when the guy says he has bought us tickets to an event so I feel like I have to go. And I am planning to tell him that I do not want to continue to date him because he is not picking up on subtle hints such as: not letting him hold my hand, not letting him kiss me, not picking up his calls, telling him it is hard for us to see each other since he is doing grad school and lives an hour and a half away.

So I told him, and he screamed at me in a bar. And everyone looked at us. I said that it was not him, it was just that I was not feeling the chemistry and that he was not what I was looking for, but he was a very nice guy and best of luck to him. And he said "Good bye, good-luck it is whatever the F*** it is you are looking for."

chalvry is not dead yet, ladies. Do not give up hope. And I will continue to hope I never run into this gentleman is a professional setting because I am sure that I will have some important body part that I will miss "accidently" amputated.

not so much

Today, I got this email and it said this only

"HOW ABOUT I HELP PAY YOUR BILLS AND YOU HELP ME"

Um, how about I ignore this email and pretend I do not know what you need help with.

I guess he just guessed that I need help with my bills because I am a dancer, good guess, but sorry buddy!

Leave me alone, Horton!

Great Gatsby.

So there is this guy on match. And he somehow got my number in the near, but not so recent, recent past, I don't know how, I must have given it to him in a moment of weakness. And so he asks me out via text message (the approved method of modern men everywhere) but I am finishing rereading Harry Potter, so I do not respond for over an hour. And when I do respond and tell him I am free, he then says that he has made other plans. So then I ignore his pathetic mass textings every friday night that are 100% going out to lots of other girls who had moments of weakness similiar to my own.

"Hey babe, what are you up to tonight? Horton"

"What's happening this weekend? Horton"

"How is it going, beautiful? Horton"

and other like messages noticably void of anything like my name.

So I have deleted his number a while back, but I get a message from him a couple of days ago:

"Hello beautiful, why did we never meet up? Horton."

and yesterday I get this message: "Hello beautiful, what is your name?"

And today:

"Gosh, I love your second picture, do you have more like it? Please send it to me privejerkoffstash@letsseeifmatchletsmeblockpeople.com

EEW EUROPEAN SEXUAL PREDATOR EEW