I think I might have to give up on this whole dating thing.
I was speaking to a couple of friends and the subject of cheating came up, I said cheating was bad, and I would never cheat. My friends looked at me like I had three heads. And then they said: "Wow, you should date this one guy who we are friends with, you guys have so much in common, he would never cheat either!"
I mean really, when this is a criteria for setting two people up.....
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Well meant advice for men
There are some things a guy should try hard not to appear to the girl who he is dating. There are things that the girl should try as well, but this is man time and I am going to give them some advice.
ADVICE #1, DO NOT GIVE COMPLIMENTS IN THIS WAY
1. Give the following conversation snippit a cursory perusal and see if you can spot the error on the guy's part:
Guy:"I went to South America"
Girl:"Do you speak any Spanish?"
Guy: "I learned a few phrases, 'where is the bathroom,' 'You have the most beautiful eyes.'"
Girl: "Ah"
Guy: "You have the most beautiful eyes in New York City"
Can you spot the error were the gentleman left himself open to the possibility of the girl thinking he was a tad bit insincere?
2. DO NOT SEND TEXT MESSAGES LIKE THIS AFTER THE SECOND DATE, OR ACTUALLY ANY TIME, EVER:
Can you spot the text message that should not have been written?
Guy: "Want to come over after work?"
Girl's response:
["No thank you, I have work until late and we're busy"]
Guy: "I am listening to John Mayer and his voice is so pretty I think I might turn gay. Help me."
Girl's response: [Well, I do not want to be John Mayer's competition, he has such beautiful eyes"]
It is not often that one can come off as both gay and a sexual predator, but it can be done.
ADVICE #1, DO NOT GIVE COMPLIMENTS IN THIS WAY
1. Give the following conversation snippit a cursory perusal and see if you can spot the error on the guy's part:
Guy:"I went to South America"
Girl:"Do you speak any Spanish?"
Guy: "I learned a few phrases, 'where is the bathroom,' 'You have the most beautiful eyes.'"
Girl: "Ah"
Guy: "You have the most beautiful eyes in New York City"
Can you spot the error were the gentleman left himself open to the possibility of the girl thinking he was a tad bit insincere?
2. DO NOT SEND TEXT MESSAGES LIKE THIS AFTER THE SECOND DATE, OR ACTUALLY ANY TIME, EVER:
Can you spot the text message that should not have been written?
Guy: "Want to come over after work?"
Girl's response:
["No thank you, I have work until late and we're busy"]
Guy: "I am listening to John Mayer and his voice is so pretty I think I might turn gay. Help me."
Girl's response: [Well, I do not want to be John Mayer's competition, he has such beautiful eyes"]
It is not often that one can come off as both gay and a sexual predator, but it can be done.
never pee
I was on a date.
(Get excitied, some of my best stories begin very similarly.)
I have a new dating tip for you.
Do not pee.
Just don't do it.
I was sitting on a couch with this guy. I said (Now this is where it starts to go downhill:
"May I use your restroom?"
Polite, right? Grammatically correct, you say?
Well.
(Now here is where I make my mistake.)
I peed.
Wait, I left some parts out.
I got up off the couch, I went out of the room to the bathroom, I peed.
I came back. He was lying down on the couch.
I looked at him and he said: "I lay down."
And I said: "Thank you, Capt. Really Bloody Obvious"
No I didn't. Not really. I said, "I see"
(We both have very good lines in this story)
Anyway, that is my story and its moral is, do not pee. Things can change rapidly for the worse.
(Get excitied, some of my best stories begin very similarly.)
I have a new dating tip for you.
Do not pee.
Just don't do it.
I was sitting on a couch with this guy. I said (Now this is where it starts to go downhill:
"May I use your restroom?"
Polite, right? Grammatically correct, you say?
Well.
(Now here is where I make my mistake.)
I peed.
Wait, I left some parts out.
I got up off the couch, I went out of the room to the bathroom, I peed.
I came back. He was lying down on the couch.
I looked at him and he said: "I lay down."
And I said: "Thank you, Capt. Really Bloody Obvious"
No I didn't. Not really. I said, "I see"
(We both have very good lines in this story)
Anyway, that is my story and its moral is, do not pee. Things can change rapidly for the worse.
No really, its true
I was out on a date and my date abruptly asked me what I was looking for in a man. I tried to talk my way out of answering this question, but my jedi mind powers did not work on this one.
So I said I was looking for someone to be comfortable with, someone I could trust and he interrupted me to say that my answer was boring and this was what everyone said. Maybe so. So I started to think about what we would say if we all answered that question honestly.
Date: "What are you looking for in a partner?"
Date-ee: The obligatory "Someone who I can be comfortable with, someone I can trust"
Various Translations of what this could really mean:
"Someone who will tell me what to do"
"Someone who I can tell what to do"
"Sex"
"Sex, actually"
"Love"
"Money"
"Someone who will love me/intensely want to suck my blood until I die a painful death"
"Children"
"Someone to show me around the city"
"Someone to fix all the problems"
"The answer to the meaning of life"
"A Jane Austen romance"
"A family"
"My father"
"Someone who will treat me badly"
"Drama"
"A fictional character out of a novel/romantic comedy"
"Anyone, because the person I really want is taken"
"Someone to make me feel attractive"
"Someone who has all my interests"
"Someone who will take care of me, because I am a total disaster"
"A total disaster so I can take care of them"
"Anyone, so that I do not have to feel bad about being alone"
"Well, everyone else has one..."
"Someone to party with"
"Give me your money"
And me: "someone who I can be myself with, someone who I can trust"
translation:
"Someone who I can be myself with, someone who I can trust"
So I said I was looking for someone to be comfortable with, someone I could trust and he interrupted me to say that my answer was boring and this was what everyone said. Maybe so. So I started to think about what we would say if we all answered that question honestly.
Date: "What are you looking for in a partner?"
Date-ee: The obligatory "Someone who I can be comfortable with, someone I can trust"
Various Translations of what this could really mean:
"Someone who will tell me what to do"
"Someone who I can tell what to do"
"Sex"
"Sex, actually"
"Love"
"Money"
"Someone who will love me/intensely want to suck my blood until I die a painful death"
"Children"
"Someone to show me around the city"
"Someone to fix all the problems"
"The answer to the meaning of life"
"A Jane Austen romance"
"A family"
"My father"
"Someone who will treat me badly"
"Drama"
"A fictional character out of a novel/romantic comedy"
"Anyone, because the person I really want is taken"
"Someone to make me feel attractive"
"Someone who has all my interests"
"Someone who will take care of me, because I am a total disaster"
"A total disaster so I can take care of them"
"Anyone, so that I do not have to feel bad about being alone"
"Well, everyone else has one..."
"Someone to party with"
"Give me your money"
And me: "someone who I can be myself with, someone who I can trust"
translation:
"Someone who I can be myself with, someone who I can trust"
Sunday, January 17, 2010
karma save me now
When I was a child I used to save the spiders and dragon flies by pulling them out of webs before the spider got them.
Lets hope some of that karma comes to help me as I play that classic game I play with men, which involves me running away, a lot
Lets hope some of that karma comes to help me as I play that classic game I play with men, which involves me running away, a lot
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
the name game
So I am having trouble keeping the boys I am talking to apart.
I am a terrible person.
But this is how it goes. I date a guy a couple times and give him up in disgust swearing never to date again. I receive ten emails from new guys. I respond to eight of them. Six of them respond back. I make plans to see five of them. I actually date two of them. We think bad things of each other.
This is the circle of match life.
I am at the part where I am planning to meet five of them but have not yet, and I am bad with names and faces. Once I went on a date knowing that it could be one of two guys.
Once I walked into a bar and there were two Indian guys sitting at the bar.
Oh, crap.
They were both by themselves and by his picture he could have been either of them. That was the worst. In the end, I picked one and walked up to him. I just accepted that the next two minutes of my life could become my most cring inducing memories of my life up to this time.
I am still not sure I picked the right one. Maybe he just played along.
When I get disgusted and swear to never date again I delete everyone's number in one fell swoop. Sometimes they come back. There was this one guy who texted me after I had deleted all their numbers but I recognized him by his dorkiness and saved him as Luke. He texted me a couple of times but I'm hoping it will just fizzle, he keeps going out of town.
Yesterday I got this text from an unknown number and I asked him who he was. I knew it has to be a match guy. I felt badly, but I honestly did not know. Horror or horrors, he said his name was Luke. I only ever talked to one Luke.
Who the heck is the guy I am planning to meet up with whose number is saved under Luke?
I am a terrible person.
But this is how it goes. I date a guy a couple times and give him up in disgust swearing never to date again. I receive ten emails from new guys. I respond to eight of them. Six of them respond back. I make plans to see five of them. I actually date two of them. We think bad things of each other.
This is the circle of match life.
I am at the part where I am planning to meet five of them but have not yet, and I am bad with names and faces. Once I went on a date knowing that it could be one of two guys.
Once I walked into a bar and there were two Indian guys sitting at the bar.
Oh, crap.
They were both by themselves and by his picture he could have been either of them. That was the worst. In the end, I picked one and walked up to him. I just accepted that the next two minutes of my life could become my most cring inducing memories of my life up to this time.
I am still not sure I picked the right one. Maybe he just played along.
When I get disgusted and swear to never date again I delete everyone's number in one fell swoop. Sometimes they come back. There was this one guy who texted me after I had deleted all their numbers but I recognized him by his dorkiness and saved him as Luke. He texted me a couple of times but I'm hoping it will just fizzle, he keeps going out of town.
Yesterday I got this text from an unknown number and I asked him who he was. I knew it has to be a match guy. I felt badly, but I honestly did not know. Horror or horrors, he said his name was Luke. I only ever talked to one Luke.
Who the heck is the guy I am planning to meet up with whose number is saved under Luke?
santa purse
My roomamte has found out about match.com. I was showing her my potential dates, and we were discussing them and she named one guy "Santa Purse."
You know how one has code names with ones friends. Mostly so that one can be a dick and talk about the person in front of other people. In college we used to have lots. "Square ass" "Hot ass anger management" and they were not just all about asses either. We had "Campus Ministry boy" for those ireverent enough to look after him, "snaggle tooth" and MSG boy, etc etc.
Anyway, my roommate texted me and asked me about the dates I was setting up this weekend. I told her glasses boy was the same day as husky boy yada yada yada. She asked about Santa Purse and I went into my text messaging to figure out which one he was and when he was.
I texted her "Santa Purse" on Monday.
He texted back: "Santa Purse? I am sorry I do not have a santa purse."
I lose more dates that way.
You know how one has code names with ones friends. Mostly so that one can be a dick and talk about the person in front of other people. In college we used to have lots. "Square ass" "Hot ass anger management" and they were not just all about asses either. We had "Campus Ministry boy" for those ireverent enough to look after him, "snaggle tooth" and MSG boy, etc etc.
Anyway, my roommate texted me and asked me about the dates I was setting up this weekend. I told her glasses boy was the same day as husky boy yada yada yada. She asked about Santa Purse and I went into my text messaging to figure out which one he was and when he was.
I texted her "Santa Purse" on Monday.
He texted back: "Santa Purse? I am sorry I do not have a santa purse."
I lose more dates that way.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
guru
Since I have been on this website for so long I have decided to have a new approach and set myself up as a vetearn. Now I am getting emails from boys asking my advice with this website.
This is also entertaining.I give them advice on their pictures, their profile and their emails. I tell them about the types of men on match and how not to fall into those categories.
At least this was entertaining until my subscription read out, yesterday
This is also entertaining.I give them advice on their pictures, their profile and their emails. I tell them about the types of men on match and how not to fall into those categories.
At least this was entertaining until my subscription read out, yesterday
Friday, January 8, 2010
wet kisses
Do you remember, when you were a young child, kisses from your mother, or your grandmother, or an aunt that you wiped off after they kissed you? Imangine my horror when at the age of 24 I go back to the era of wiping off kisses. My 6-year-old self is still on there, alive and disgusted.
(I do not think he noticed, I hope.)
(I do not think he noticed, I hope.)
wet octopus guy
So I was dating this guy and it was going REALLY BADLY.
We went on a first date, and I did not like it, the one involving a small dog in a christmas sweater, for all the many loyal readers out there. But he asked me out again, and maybe one date is not all the chance one should give a person, so I went out again.
And I still didn't like him.
After the second date so I was just going to let it fizzle when the guy says he has bought us tickets to an event so I feel like I have to go. And I am planning to tell him that I do not want to continue to date him because he is not picking up on subtle hints such as: not letting him hold my hand, not letting him kiss me, not picking up his calls, telling him it is hard for us to see each other since he is doing grad school and lives an hour and a half away.
So I told him, and he screamed at me in a bar. And everyone looked at us. I said that it was not him, it was just that I was not feeling the chemistry and that he was not what I was looking for, but he was a very nice guy and best of luck to him. And he said "Good bye, good-luck it is whatever the F*** it is you are looking for."
chalvry is not dead yet, ladies. Do not give up hope. And I will continue to hope I never run into this gentleman is a professional setting because I am sure that I will have some important body part that I will miss "accidently" amputated.
We went on a first date, and I did not like it, the one involving a small dog in a christmas sweater, for all the many loyal readers out there. But he asked me out again, and maybe one date is not all the chance one should give a person, so I went out again.
And I still didn't like him.
After the second date so I was just going to let it fizzle when the guy says he has bought us tickets to an event so I feel like I have to go. And I am planning to tell him that I do not want to continue to date him because he is not picking up on subtle hints such as: not letting him hold my hand, not letting him kiss me, not picking up his calls, telling him it is hard for us to see each other since he is doing grad school and lives an hour and a half away.
So I told him, and he screamed at me in a bar. And everyone looked at us. I said that it was not him, it was just that I was not feeling the chemistry and that he was not what I was looking for, but he was a very nice guy and best of luck to him. And he said "Good bye, good-luck it is whatever the F*** it is you are looking for."
chalvry is not dead yet, ladies. Do not give up hope. And I will continue to hope I never run into this gentleman is a professional setting because I am sure that I will have some important body part that I will miss "accidently" amputated.
not so much
Today, I got this email and it said this only
"HOW ABOUT I HELP PAY YOUR BILLS AND YOU HELP ME"
Um, how about I ignore this email and pretend I do not know what you need help with.
I guess he just guessed that I need help with my bills because I am a dancer, good guess, but sorry buddy!
"HOW ABOUT I HELP PAY YOUR BILLS AND YOU HELP ME"
Um, how about I ignore this email and pretend I do not know what you need help with.
I guess he just guessed that I need help with my bills because I am a dancer, good guess, but sorry buddy!
Leave me alone, Horton!
Great Gatsby.
So there is this guy on match. And he somehow got my number in the near, but not so recent, recent past, I don't know how, I must have given it to him in a moment of weakness. And so he asks me out via text message (the approved method of modern men everywhere) but I am finishing rereading Harry Potter, so I do not respond for over an hour. And when I do respond and tell him I am free, he then says that he has made other plans. So then I ignore his pathetic mass textings every friday night that are 100% going out to lots of other girls who had moments of weakness similiar to my own.
"Hey babe, what are you up to tonight? Horton"
"What's happening this weekend? Horton"
"How is it going, beautiful? Horton"
and other like messages noticably void of anything like my name.
So I have deleted his number a while back, but I get a message from him a couple of days ago:
"Hello beautiful, why did we never meet up? Horton."
and yesterday I get this message: "Hello beautiful, what is your name?"
And today:
"Gosh, I love your second picture, do you have more like it? Please send it to me privejerkoffstash@letsseeifmatchletsmeblockpeople.com
EEW EUROPEAN SEXUAL PREDATOR EEW
So there is this guy on match. And he somehow got my number in the near, but not so recent, recent past, I don't know how, I must have given it to him in a moment of weakness. And so he asks me out via text message (the approved method of modern men everywhere) but I am finishing rereading Harry Potter, so I do not respond for over an hour. And when I do respond and tell him I am free, he then says that he has made other plans. So then I ignore his pathetic mass textings every friday night that are 100% going out to lots of other girls who had moments of weakness similiar to my own.
"Hey babe, what are you up to tonight? Horton"
"What's happening this weekend? Horton"
"How is it going, beautiful? Horton"
and other like messages noticably void of anything like my name.
So I have deleted his number a while back, but I get a message from him a couple of days ago:
"Hello beautiful, why did we never meet up? Horton."
and yesterday I get this message: "Hello beautiful, what is your name?"
And today:
"Gosh, I love your second picture, do you have more like it? Please send it to me privejerkoffstash@letsseeifmatchletsmeblockpeople.com
EEW EUROPEAN SEXUAL PREDATOR EEW
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)