I was on a date. we had some drinks. He was doing that awkward thing where he is trying to figure out what my reaction would be if he kissed me.
ITS SO AWKWARD.
He was putting his arm around me, and leaning his head towards me and the usual routine.
SO BORING. AND AWKWARD.
So he turned to me and said:
"what do you want to do now?" and I said:
"I think that you should kiss me so that its not so awkward anymore."
I have come up with a solution to the awkwardness.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
you're right, it does
I know you think that my life sucks, but that is just because you are jealous that you have never had a chihuahua in a Christmas sweater join you on a date.
Last week I went on a first date to a china town restaurant. Our server came up to the table and he said:
"May I take your order?" Now, this is not strange. Many, many of the very best servers routinely say things such as this. And my response was not that mind shattering either:
"I will have the fettuccine." Now watch, here is where the plot thickens.
The server: "Okay, but what will you have to drink?"
Me: "a chardonnay"
The server to my date: "What will you have?" He (not having learned his lesson) "I'll have the spaghetti."
Server: "No! what will you have to drink?"
Date: "okay, I'll have the pinot grigio and spaghetti."
The guy leaves, comes back with our drinks and then asks again what we will have for dinner. My date asks:
"Are we allowed to order now?" I guess he was on strict orders to take the drink orders first.
I want to go back there and see what happens when one refuses to order a drink. Perhaps his head explodes.
And then a bunch of Chinese girls showed up and started making Christmas decorations at the table next to us with a singularly unresponsive chihuahua in a red Christmas sweater.
I hear there was karaoke in the basement.
Last week I went on a first date to a china town restaurant. Our server came up to the table and he said:
"May I take your order?" Now, this is not strange. Many, many of the very best servers routinely say things such as this. And my response was not that mind shattering either:
"I will have the fettuccine." Now watch, here is where the plot thickens.
The server: "Okay, but what will you have to drink?"
Me: "a chardonnay"
The server to my date: "What will you have?" He (not having learned his lesson) "I'll have the spaghetti."
Server: "No! what will you have to drink?"
Date: "okay, I'll have the pinot grigio and spaghetti."
The guy leaves, comes back with our drinks and then asks again what we will have for dinner. My date asks:
"Are we allowed to order now?" I guess he was on strict orders to take the drink orders first.
I want to go back there and see what happens when one refuses to order a drink. Perhaps his head explodes.
And then a bunch of Chinese girls showed up and started making Christmas decorations at the table next to us with a singularly unresponsive chihuahua in a red Christmas sweater.
I hear there was karaoke in the basement.
Friday, December 4, 2009
names
I mean sometime one does not even have to look at the pictures. If his name is "returnoftheprowlinglion" Or "sexpanther101" or "victoriousdenexin" then I do not have to look any further.
I get emails that say "returnoftheroaringlion" has winked at you. i would never have guessed that I would receive an email like that in my whole life. Now I get one weekly.
I get emails that say "returnoftheroaringlion" has winked at you. i would never have guessed that I would receive an email like that in my whole life. Now I get one weekly.
NYC
I have dated every unsuitable man in New York City.
No really, the sexual predators, the really pretty of questionable sexuality,the not available but pretending they are, the ones who want a one night stand, the co-workers, the managers, the denizens of the hospitality industry. Models, washed up comedy workers (I really liked that one), men who just do not call (see later category), men with money who spend all their time making it, the awkward, the bizarre, the sub-human, the Mediterranean lady killers with accents they have learned to use. (Did you know they can speak perfectly decent English until an attractive woman walks into hearing range?)
I hate first dates. The awaiting the proposition. (Well, there it is, cross another one off the lost.)The OMG will I even recognize him from his picture?I have no memory for faces. I swear every gay, oops, guy that has nothing to do with the date I just got back from, has recognized me thank heaven because I just sort of wander about. I wouldn't recognize my date from Adam. One time I am going to walk up to a total stranger. Maybe he will be a better date... The awkward good-bye. (OMG. DOES HE EXPECT ME TO KISS HIM? WILL HE GO FOR IT? THE CHEEK, THE MOUTH, THE HUG, THE TONGUE,I'M REALLY GONNA BREAK UNDER THE PRESSURE!)
I am not sure how much longer I can be on this website and continue to date strangers who turn out to be of one of the former categories. All the attractive ones will just text you at Midnight one night. Or even better, you will get put on a mass text messaging list. There was this one European, and we never even met up but he had my number because I was young and innocent and every Friday night I would get a text message on the variation of "what is up this weekend babe?" and I knew that I was not even close to the only girl who got that text message every week. Slick. I mean they really know how to make a girl feel like the only girl in the world besides the ten other hookups he met on this website.
I mean, when I got home from my date this evening I texted my roommate :"I lived!" hazzah! What an accomplishment! When dates go well I live!
No really, the sexual predators, the really pretty of questionable sexuality,the not available but pretending they are, the ones who want a one night stand, the co-workers, the managers, the denizens of the hospitality industry. Models, washed up comedy workers (I really liked that one), men who just do not call (see later category), men with money who spend all their time making it, the awkward, the bizarre, the sub-human, the Mediterranean lady killers with accents they have learned to use. (Did you know they can speak perfectly decent English until an attractive woman walks into hearing range?)
I hate first dates. The awaiting the proposition. (Well, there it is, cross another one off the lost.)The OMG will I even recognize him from his picture?I have no memory for faces. I swear every gay, oops, guy that has nothing to do with the date I just got back from, has recognized me thank heaven because I just sort of wander about. I wouldn't recognize my date from Adam. One time I am going to walk up to a total stranger. Maybe he will be a better date... The awkward good-bye. (OMG. DOES HE EXPECT ME TO KISS HIM? WILL HE GO FOR IT? THE CHEEK, THE MOUTH, THE HUG, THE TONGUE,I'M REALLY GONNA BREAK UNDER THE PRESSURE!)
I am not sure how much longer I can be on this website and continue to date strangers who turn out to be of one of the former categories. All the attractive ones will just text you at Midnight one night. Or even better, you will get put on a mass text messaging list. There was this one European, and we never even met up but he had my number because I was young and innocent and every Friday night I would get a text message on the variation of "what is up this weekend babe?" and I knew that I was not even close to the only girl who got that text message every week. Slick. I mean they really know how to make a girl feel like the only girl in the world besides the ten other hookups he met on this website.
I mean, when I got home from my date this evening I texted my roommate :"I lived!" hazzah! What an accomplishment! When dates go well I live!
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