Stock emails

I have run into a new phenomenon. I have been on match long enough for some people to forget me and send me repeat emails. I have gotten 4 or 5. A couple of them, while it is not flattering to know that they copy and paste instead of taking the time to write, were just bland emails about the person sending them. I called one guy out on it and he said that he was not ashamed, but that it was a stock get to know me email and it made sense-of course, I still took it as a personal affront.
But there were a couple in particular that were stunning enough to get once, and would have made an appearance on this site anyway, but twice!
Here we go:

“I want you to be completely sincere...

I have an earnest inquiry for you:

Just wondering if you can envision everything it might mean to you, when you're with a man, and this man knows you so completely, and is so capable, so strong, so loving, that you impeccably trust him to take care of your happiness for the rest of your life, knowing that your faith is completely well-founded, and fall so hopelessly, helplessly and deeply in love with him that you give yourself to him completely, and you know you'll do absolutely anything he wants you to, just to please him.

Have you had this yet?

I will be in your area as of Dec 1st...

Sir X”
I’m not making this up. The second time I received this apple orchard fertilizer I called him out on it and he responded with “wow, you are tough. I wanted you to answer the inquiry!” I did not respond to this, but here is what I really wanted to say:
“Sir Lord of cow manure, I am deeply disturbed that you sent the second email a month later without changing a word but the date. You must have had some sort of positive reinforcement. Ladies, I am ashamed. How do you respond to this? Why no, as I am not the star of a romance vampire novel I have never had this deeply nauseating and incredibly painful reliance on a man, will you be coming to my area on a snow white steed?”

And the second:

“It is not very often that I find myself writing to someone who is so much younger in age than myself, [he was 65 and his profile picture showed him with his arm around my great-grandmother] but you are seemingly not like the rest of the run of the mill younger girls.

Your feet seem firmly planted on terra firma. You appear to be intelligent and sweet and willing to dunk your toes into new and exciting streams. I like an inquirious mind in a person, and of course you are beautiful.

I am a hopeful, in shape, fun, thoughtful, and emotionally well adjusted man. I take it one day at a time. There is always something to discover and a new road to follow wherever it might turn. I am a curious traveler, an innovative cook, a man whose talents are now given to writing fiction and whose favorite physical activities are polo, running, biking, and golfing. Throw in a trip to some museum, the theater or the opera and you start to get a clearer idea of the man behind the keyboard on the web.

Yes, there is an age gap between us. However, a small voice tells me that you march to the beat of a different drum; that you might be someone who is would live her life out of the box and be interested in overcoming the great American taboo concerning older/younger friendships.

So...please do review my profile and if the spirit moves you, I'd love to hear back from you.

X

I responded the second time: “ I would be inclined to believe that you only emailed me because my feet were especially planted on terra firma if you had not sent me this message before.”

Shockingly, he unlike all the rest of the men I told to go to hell did not ask me out.

email exchange

I got this email the other day and it went like this:

Him:
"I'm looking for a discreet, no strings attached purely physical relationship. Would you be interested?"

So I went to look at his profile. He was a 20 something good looking young man in Ivy League grad school. And it said that he was looking to meet a good woman and he was a philosophy major and he was looking for an intelligent woman with similar interests to have a deep and meaningful relationship with. So I responded with:

Me:

"you like to "engage in higher level thinking and actions" such as picking up strangers on match.com for random sex?"

So he said:

"Very good point. Actually I enjoy random sex with sluts, and do attend higher or deeper level activities with high quality women. So I do both to be honest. I think I'm normal to want to satisfy my physical urges."

and she said:

"and you are so worthy of those quality women. and thanks for calling me a slut. right back at ya."

And then he apologized wrote me this articulate and well worded email and said that I was apparently one of the quality women instead of the sluts and asked me out to dinner to make it up to me.

And I said no because I did not appreciate him dichotomizing women into two categories: sluts and quality and no thank you. How come women only get to be these two categories and he can sleep with the "sluts" and not be slutty himself, because he is a man, and then feel as if he is worthy of a "quality" woman?

And he waited a few days and wrote back and said that he had been thinking about what I said and that I was right and would I please, please, please go out with him, I can be right about everything.





What. The. Hell.





I can't get a date so badly that I join match.com and the ones who I tell to go to Hell beg me to go out with them. I think I need to write back that psychologist of a few posts ago and ask why? why? why?
Maybe I need to go back to 6th grade technique and be meanest to the one I like the most.

Thank you, match.com

A brief moment of thankage
Incidentally, match.com sends me Tarzans, stream of consciousness guys, and dicks almost every day. The matching is simply random. I have put that I only want guys with pictures who do not smoke and they still send me ? guys who smoke. And I just want to say, Thank you match.com.

My other complaint about the website is that when something goes wrong a message pops up that says : “Even dating has its difficulties.” Even dating has its difficulties? Huh? What could be more difficult than dating? Teeth extraction with medication?
But would I recommend this website? Yes, yes I would. The money is totally worth it for the entertainment. Just think, if you could swallow your pride enough to admit to everyone that you are on match.com you could become quite popular and regal your loved ones with stories that begin “OMG You will never guess the match they gave me today…Look at what he wrote!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

ps

Alternately, sometimes The Flippin' terrifying men sends emails. Here is one I got:

"Pursuing the part about your job issues I felt called to share my experience in meeting people through my career. I used to sing professionally in Vegas. The show was 'Napolean Dynamite on Ice'. Unfortunately, the show ended up getting canceled after an accident involving a unicorn and a rainbow so I had go to my fall back career as a lawyer:( I now had to rely on talking to people as opposed to just saying 'Vote for Pedro' and then doing the Harlem Shake. "

As a btw there is another category of man on here. Men with pictures of big cats. Baby,adults, lions, cheetahs, tigers. Why yes, they are prevalent enough to warrant their own category. I begin to think myself uneducated and inexperienced as I have never petted anything bigger than a house cat. The second most prevalent pictures are sky-diving pics. Every man on match.com has petted big cats and jumped out of planes.

Incidentally, a shrink wrote to me and he has no profile picture because he said that he does not want his clients to see him. Explains a lot, I think. I almost wrote to him and said that I think I have met several of his patients,and if they weren't, could I refer them? But I decided that that would be in bad taste.........

dicks, terrifying

The Dicks

Than are the straight up dicks. They are toom sexy for NYC, Milan Japan or this website. They are superficial and they objectify women and they don't care who knows it.

Their profiles go something like this: “Everyone asks me if these are my pictures. Yes, these are my pictures. Yes I am really am that hot. No, I am not an arrogant bastard. I like long walks on the beach, romantic movies, going out to eat, exploring the city, and going to museums. I am looking for a good woman to share these things with me. PS, please be under 25 years of age as I enjoy my company. Thank you.”
Or:
“Please be a bit curvy, think Angelina Jolie, Marilyn Monroe, Katie Price. I do not like skeleton girls. And please have a little bit of an attractive face. Yikes! You should see some of the uglies that have winked at me lately! Come on, for real?”

Then there are The: Men who are trying to be sarcastically funny but who only succeed in being flippin’ terrifying.

Their profiles go something like very much like this: “Hey little darlin’! I eat 5 dozen eggs every day and I am large and in charge! I am on here because I am a sexual predator. I am fabulous with women, references by request! If I have managed to make you smile than we are probably a good match!”

Or

“Hey I’m Fred, I’m your typical guy, I live in East Village, run for public office and gamble for a living! If you talk to me, you will end by making fun of me. I am sarcastic.

If you date me, you will slap me and public and also make out with me in public because this is just what happen because I am tall and you are shallow. I am looking for a girl to join me on a ride that will slowly disintegrate into one of mutual suffering where the sex gets angrier and angrier until one of us implodes. You better not have voted Obama, or all bets are off. I’m looking for a sexy good woman, or one with a healthy sense of the absurd."

Since I am usually staring at the screen with a look of pure shock on my face with my eyes the size of saucers and flies flying in and out of my mouth I never respond. Good for them for not taking this seriously but wow, does anyone ever respond to the flippin’ terrifying man? His postings can all be watered down to "Please date me, I'M CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZY!!!!!!!!!!!"

Dating Tips Just for You

I met a guy last night for a drink. He was good looking, smart, geeky, with a good job and I am not sure that we were a good match. But he did make a few first date oopsies. After a couple of drinks he told me that people thought he was gay all the time. He then proceeded to elaborate upon the problems he was having with the interior decorator he had hired for his one bedroom bachelor apartment. And then he started talking about his ex girlfriend. There is a time and a place for complaining about misconceptions about ones sexuality and past relationships. A first date is not one of these times.

Types

sTarzan
Me, Tarzan you hopefully do not think punctuation is sexy.

My next few posts will be about the categories the men on match fall into. I have noticed many trends. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, but I wish you could know how very little I have changed around these postings. I will start with my personal favorite, the Tarzan men. The Tarzan man has no use for spelling, punctuation, or complete sentences. His profiles go something like this: “im steve looking for good women. Maybe meet in prson os can see if good match. Like tv sex listen music.
Or
Me a man look fro woman want someone not afraid of kinky. Send me line babe.

http://failblog.org/2009/11/02/tarzan-fail/

My other favorite is the pretentious stream of consciousness man. It’s like Nietzsche and James Joyce came together and spewing bull shirt all over my screen. His writing goes something like this:

“Sunrise, nighttime. Sex, coffee. I am man, you are woman. I am looking for a real woman to face the ridiculous joy of being an existial human being at every sunrise. Color-black and white. I have traveled all over the world, from culture to culture dying every day as I live. You. Me. Pot roast. Guinea pigs. Cultural world music. Cool but warm. Vacillate.Servant, master. Sex. Let me say it again, sex. Without sex, a relationship is just a friendship. And then why bother? I feel the earth under my feet. I long to kiss the tips of a woman’s fingers as we caress the stars. All religions are evil, it is the spiritual wonderment of it all that every being should worship inside themselves. You, looking for me. I seeking the truth. Maybe we will be a match. Who knows, but what will we lose in the end? Only nothing.

Buttercups.


Btw, do not bother to approach me of you are pretentious or fake. I hate all pretentious people. You can just die in a ditch for all I care. Don’t bother. “
Who needs acid when one can just read their profiles. And I swear to God that pretentious stream of Consciousness man ALWAYS says something about hating fakeness and/or pretention.

The problem with these men is….

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. “-Groucho Marx
The problem with this website is that we appear to all be a little embarrassed about this website. As I find myself looking at men on this site, I find my thoughts go something like this: “He’s too short, (and he’s on match.com), he’s obviously insane, smokes (and he’s on match.com), he’s not attractive to me, is certifiably insane, never used a comma in his life, lives in New Jersey, (and is on match.com).”
I can tell that this is going to be a problem. And if a man is okay with me being on match.com I am not sure that I okay with him. It is the age old problem of the man hitting on one in the bar is not the one you want to talk to, the one sitting with his friends who never talks to girls is the one worth getting. . .
The guy that I was most attracted to was one who was so freaked out by being on match that he canceled his membership right after I initiated contact with him. This made him so much more attractive in my eyes, but I am a hypocrite since I did not get off the website. And, he stopped responding to my emails. It was such a shame, his hair was so long, and his eyes so green, and so philosophical. . .
We the denizens of match.com should stop apologizing to one another. People meet on role playing vampire websites! And bars! And facebook groups! If we are in a position to meet one another, then we are not in a position to shun one another. I am going right now to remove the part of my profile where I apologize for being on match.com!
(This enthusiasm still does not extend to telling anyone that I am on match. Let’s not get carried away.)

My First Match Experience

Things I learned on My First Match.date
Well, I have been educated on the ways of match.com. I got lectured on it for a good two hours from a real match veteran. So firstly,
What I learned about match.com
1. There are two kinds of people on match.com-those who want to hook-up, and those who are looking for a relationship. (unfortunately, this date we were on appeared to contain all varieties of match.com denizens)
2. How to tell a person’s weight from the top of their shoulder. He waxed particularly eloquent on this topic, and I could tell that it was one close to his heart. You see, apparently over-weight people are sneaky, and they only put headshots up of themselves, so you have to learn to gauge their shoulder width. I could elaborate, but it might cause me to puke a little in my throat.
3. The initial flood of emails and winks abates soon. I told him that I had been on match.com for about two weeks and he looked and me and had an “Aw, the good ol’ days” moment at my expense. He wisely told me not to go out with everyone who asked me, although in the initial phase I could go out with a different guy every night. “It gets too crazy,” he warned.
4. Never go out to eat with a person on a first date. Go out for drinks, so that one can escape easily. This hint was given to me over Tai food, so I was a little confused.
5. Always talk to a person over the phone before going out or else one can get stuck with a maniac. He always speaks on the phone to the girl before going out. (Good advice, but actually, it’s not fool proof.)
My First Match.date (involves some judicial information withheld so that I do not look as bad. (No! Nothing that bad!))
Well, I have survived my first match.date. I knew it would be a disaster from the start. Our initial conversation went like this.
Me: “Hi, nice to meet you.”
Greek: “Nice to meet you. Do you smoke pot?”
Me: “No, do you smoke pot often?”
Greek: “No, not before I go to work, just every night when I get home.”
Me: “ah.”
We had nothing in common so the substance of our conversation was match.com. He was quite good looking but, alas, looks are not enough. I could not wait to escape. And, he was a very, very bad kisser. Okay, now I do not usually kiss on a first date. But since it was also our last date…..

The Greeks

What, do the Greeks have some sixth sense that I am weak for them? The first two men who emailed me on match.com were both Greeks. Woe be to me. I cannot get away. And one of them is quite cute….No,NO, remember what happened last time . . .

It’s Worse

Okay, so maybe it is worse. At least you can see the person in the bar. And you can run away from the people on the bar.
I am getting multiple winking and emails from truly scary gentlemen and I have not yet figured out how to block. And I am getting hit on by people without pictures. Okay, so I would actually like to see pictures of the people who I am talking to. My mother always told me that girls who talked to men online would become killed and for some reason I think that it makes me more nervous to talk to someone without a picture. Although, apparently there are a lot of fake pictures on match.com
I got a sarcastic email from a man on match.com who asked me who I stole the pictures from online. I guess that I should take this as a compliment. I did, without thinking about it, put the starving artist in NYC headshots on there. But sarcastic email guy, who seems to have taken it quite personally that my pictures might not be real apologizes “if” my pictures are real, and warns that many, many people have fake pictures out there.
And on a final note, what the hell is happening when people are winking at me? Match.com has a wink button, very like the facebook poke button. I always HATED the facebook poke button, I mean, what does it even MEAN? ***pokepokepokepoke***winkwinkwink **********

Anyone who winks at me is an automatic nooooo.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrlSkU0TFLs

The Initial Shock

So, I ‘m shocked that I am on match.com. I can no longer make fun of anyone.
Well, that’s not true. I can still make fun of a select group of my best friends. For instance, my one friend met her international boyfriend now fiance on a vampire role playing website. My roommate met her boyfriend through a “Who wants to date my Daughter?” advertisement that her mother put on facebook. (And instead of killing her mom, she dates him!) My former roommate met her husband through myspace. He followed her out to her car and she was ready to kill him and last year I was in their wedding. So, I guess I should worry less about how people meet each other. If my friends can meet great guys in sure unconventional settings, who cares how it happens. I actually do not see how being on match.com is any worse than meeting in a bar.

My first post, ever

I only ever wanted two things in life.

They were love and ballet. I have....neither. I HAD a boyfriend, a Greek boyfriend...and he was the biggest disaster ever. He dumped me recently with a TEXT MESSAGE. And it went like this: "I dont want to brake your heart anymore..."
Great. My first ever real boyfriend at the incrediably late age of 23 and he not only dumps me by text message, he misspells it. Four and a half months of correcting his Greeklish my response is automatic "It's b-r-e-a-k...." there was more, but we won't go into that. This has pushed me to extreme measures. I am going to swallow all my pride, and wait for it, wait for it, join match.com. I am cringing inside when I write this. This is the reason for this blog. I can't TELL people that I am on match.com. Not me, the girl who made fun of anyone who met on the internet, and said that I would only join a dating website if I was desperate at 40. But I'm desperate now, and I can't go around dating restaurant people anymore, been there done that! So I can't tell people about my match.com adventure. It's a secret, from everyone. But its me and I have to tell someone.........

that's why I'm telling you.