Monday, November 23, 2009

Stock emails

I have run into a new phenomenon. I have been on match long enough for some people to forget me and send me repeat emails. I have gotten 4 or 5. A couple of them, while it is not flattering to know that they copy and paste instead of taking the time to write, were just bland emails about the person sending them. I called one guy out on it and he said that he was not ashamed, but that it was a stock get to know me email and it made sense-of course, I still took it as a personal affront.
But there were a couple in particular that were stunning enough to get once, and would have made an appearance on this site anyway, but twice!
Here we go:

“I want you to be completely sincere...

I have an earnest inquiry for you:

Just wondering if you can envision everything it might mean to you, when you're with a man, and this man knows you so completely, and is so capable, so strong, so loving, that you impeccably trust him to take care of your happiness for the rest of your life, knowing that your faith is completely well-founded, and fall so hopelessly, helplessly and deeply in love with him that you give yourself to him completely, and you know you'll do absolutely anything he wants you to, just to please him.

Have you had this yet?

I will be in your area as of Dec 1st...

Sir X”
I’m not making this up. The second time I received this apple orchard fertilizer I called him out on it and he responded with “wow, you are tough. I wanted you to answer the inquiry!” I did not respond to this, but here is what I really wanted to say:
“Sir Lord of cow manure, I am deeply disturbed that you sent the second email a month later without changing a word but the date. You must have had some sort of positive reinforcement. Ladies, I am ashamed. How do you respond to this? Why no, as I am not the star of a romance vampire novel I have never had this deeply nauseating and incredibly painful reliance on a man, will you be coming to my area on a snow white steed?”

And the second:

“It is not very often that I find myself writing to someone who is so much younger in age than myself, [he was 65 and his profile picture showed him with his arm around my great-grandmother] but you are seemingly not like the rest of the run of the mill younger girls.

Your feet seem firmly planted on terra firma. You appear to be intelligent and sweet and willing to dunk your toes into new and exciting streams. I like an inquirious mind in a person, and of course you are beautiful.

I am a hopeful, in shape, fun, thoughtful, and emotionally well adjusted man. I take it one day at a time. There is always something to discover and a new road to follow wherever it might turn. I am a curious traveler, an innovative cook, a man whose talents are now given to writing fiction and whose favorite physical activities are polo, running, biking, and golfing. Throw in a trip to some museum, the theater or the opera and you start to get a clearer idea of the man behind the keyboard on the web.

Yes, there is an age gap between us. However, a small voice tells me that you march to the beat of a different drum; that you might be someone who is would live her life out of the box and be interested in overcoming the great American taboo concerning older/younger friendships.

So...please do review my profile and if the spirit moves you, I'd love to hear back from you.

X

I responded the second time: “ I would be inclined to believe that you only emailed me because my feet were especially planted on terra firma if you had not sent me this message before.”

Shockingly, he unlike all the rest of the men I told to go to hell did not ask me out.

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