the name game

So I am having trouble keeping the boys I am talking to apart.










I am a terrible person.

But this is how it goes. I date a guy a couple times and give him up in disgust swearing never to date again. I receive ten emails from new guys. I respond to eight of them. Six of them respond back. I make plans to see five of them. I actually date two of them. We think bad things of each other.
This is the circle of match life.
I am at the part where I am planning to meet five of them but have not yet, and I am bad with names and faces. Once I went on a date knowing that it could be one of two guys.

Once I walked into a bar and there were two Indian guys sitting at the bar.

Oh, crap.

They were both by themselves and by his picture he could have been either of them. That was the worst. In the end, I picked one and walked up to him. I just accepted that the next two minutes of my life could become my most cring inducing memories of my life up to this time.

I am still not sure I picked the right one. Maybe he just played along.

When I get disgusted and swear to never date again I delete everyone's number in one fell swoop. Sometimes they come back. There was this one guy who texted me after I had deleted all their numbers but I recognized him by his dorkiness and saved him as Luke. He texted me a couple of times but I'm hoping it will just fizzle, he keeps going out of town.
Yesterday I got this text from an unknown number and I asked him who he was. I knew it has to be a match guy. I felt badly, but I honestly did not know. Horror or horrors, he said his name was Luke. I only ever talked to one Luke.

Who the heck is the guy I am planning to meet up with whose number is saved under Luke?

santa purse

My roomamte has found out about match.com. I was showing her my potential dates, and we were discussing them and she named one guy "Santa Purse."
You know how one has code names with ones friends. Mostly so that one can be a dick and talk about the person in front of other people. In college we used to have lots. "Square ass" "Hot ass anger management" and they were not just all about asses either. We had "Campus Ministry boy" for those ireverent enough to look after him, "snaggle tooth" and MSG boy, etc etc.

Anyway, my roommate texted me and asked me about the dates I was setting up this weekend. I told her glasses boy was the same day as husky boy yada yada yada. She asked about Santa Purse and I went into my text messaging to figure out which one he was and when he was.

I texted her "Santa Purse" on Monday.
He texted back: "Santa Purse? I am sorry I do not have a santa purse."

I lose more dates that way.

guru

Since I have been on this website for so long I have decided to have a new approach and set myself up as a vetearn. Now I am getting emails from boys asking my advice with this website.
This is also entertaining.I give them advice on their pictures, their profile and their emails. I tell them about the types of men on match and how not to fall into those categories.

At least this was entertaining until my subscription read out, yesterday

wet kisses

Do you remember, when you were a young child, kisses from your mother, or your grandmother, or an aunt that you wiped off after they kissed you? Imangine my horror when at the age of 24 I go back to the era of wiping off kisses. My 6-year-old self is still on there, alive and disgusted.

(I do not think he noticed, I hope.)

wet octopus guy

So I was dating this guy and it was going REALLY BADLY.

We went on a first date, and I did not like it, the one involving a small dog in a christmas sweater, for all the many loyal readers out there. But he asked me out again, and maybe one date is not all the chance one should give a person, so I went out again.

And I still didn't like him.

After the second date so I was just going to let it fizzle when the guy says he has bought us tickets to an event so I feel like I have to go. And I am planning to tell him that I do not want to continue to date him because he is not picking up on subtle hints such as: not letting him hold my hand, not letting him kiss me, not picking up his calls, telling him it is hard for us to see each other since he is doing grad school and lives an hour and a half away.

So I told him, and he screamed at me in a bar. And everyone looked at us. I said that it was not him, it was just that I was not feeling the chemistry and that he was not what I was looking for, but he was a very nice guy and best of luck to him. And he said "Good bye, good-luck it is whatever the F*** it is you are looking for."

chalvry is not dead yet, ladies. Do not give up hope. And I will continue to hope I never run into this gentleman is a professional setting because I am sure that I will have some important body part that I will miss "accidently" amputated.

not so much

Today, I got this email and it said this only

"HOW ABOUT I HELP PAY YOUR BILLS AND YOU HELP ME"

Um, how about I ignore this email and pretend I do not know what you need help with.

I guess he just guessed that I need help with my bills because I am a dancer, good guess, but sorry buddy!

Leave me alone, Horton!

Great Gatsby.

So there is this guy on match. And he somehow got my number in the near, but not so recent, recent past, I don't know how, I must have given it to him in a moment of weakness. And so he asks me out via text message (the approved method of modern men everywhere) but I am finishing rereading Harry Potter, so I do not respond for over an hour. And when I do respond and tell him I am free, he then says that he has made other plans. So then I ignore his pathetic mass textings every friday night that are 100% going out to lots of other girls who had moments of weakness similiar to my own.

"Hey babe, what are you up to tonight? Horton"

"What's happening this weekend? Horton"

"How is it going, beautiful? Horton"

and other like messages noticably void of anything like my name.

So I have deleted his number a while back, but I get a message from him a couple of days ago:

"Hello beautiful, why did we never meet up? Horton."

and yesterday I get this message: "Hello beautiful, what is your name?"

And today:

"Gosh, I love your second picture, do you have more like it? Please send it to me privejerkoffstash@letsseeifmatchletsmeblockpeople.com

EEW EUROPEAN SEXUAL PREDATOR EEW