never pee

I was on a date.











(Get excitied, some of my best stories begin very similarly.)





I have a new dating tip for you.

Do not pee.

Just don't do it.

I was sitting on a couch with this guy. I said (Now this is where it starts to go downhill:

"May I use your restroom?"

Polite, right? Grammatically correct, you say?

Well.

(Now here is where I make my mistake.)

I peed.

Wait, I left some parts out.

I got up off the couch, I went out of the room to the bathroom, I peed.

I came back. He was lying down on the couch.

I looked at him and he said: "I lay down."

And I said: "Thank you, Capt. Really Bloody Obvious"

No I didn't. Not really. I said, "I see"

(We both have very good lines in this story)

Anyway, that is my story and its moral is, do not pee. Things can change rapidly for the worse.

dicks, terrifying

The Dicks

Than are the straight up dicks. They are toom sexy for NYC, Milan Japan or this website. They are superficial and they objectify women and they don't care who knows it.

Their profiles go something like this: “Everyone asks me if these are my pictures. Yes, these are my pictures. Yes I am really am that hot. No, I am not an arrogant bastard. I like long walks on the beach, romantic movies, going out to eat, exploring the city, and going to museums. I am looking for a good woman to share these things with me. PS, please be under 25 years of age as I enjoy my company. Thank you.”
Or:
“Please be a bit curvy, think Angelina Jolie, Marilyn Monroe, Katie Price. I do not like skeleton girls. And please have a little bit of an attractive face. Yikes! You should see some of the uglies that have winked at me lately! Come on, for real?”

Then there are The: Men who are trying to be sarcastically funny but who only succeed in being flippin’ terrifying.

Their profiles go something like very much like this: “Hey little darlin’! I eat 5 dozen eggs every day and I am large and in charge! I am on here because I am a sexual predator. I am fabulous with women, references by request! If I have managed to make you smile than we are probably a good match!”

Or

“Hey I’m Fred, I’m your typical guy, I live in East Village, run for public office and gamble for a living! If you talk to me, you will end by making fun of me. I am sarcastic.

If you date me, you will slap me and public and also make out with me in public because this is just what happen because I am tall and you are shallow. I am looking for a girl to join me on a ride that will slowly disintegrate into one of mutual suffering where the sex gets angrier and angrier until one of us implodes. You better not have voted Obama, or all bets are off. I’m looking for a sexy good woman, or one with a healthy sense of the absurd."

Since I am usually staring at the screen with a look of pure shock on my face with my eyes the size of saucers and flies flying in and out of my mouth I never respond. Good for them for not taking this seriously but wow, does anyone ever respond to the flippin’ terrifying man? His postings can all be watered down to "Please date me, I'M CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZY!!!!!!!!!!!"