(everything in parenthesis is a lie), or Things I ignored

Hi,

This is [awkward medical student who told me "good luck with whatever the f*** it is you are looking for] We dated about 3 times in December. Unfortunately, things did not work out. Perhaps we didn't have much in common in the end (besides a mutual interest in making out).

When you ended it, I never pursued friendship out of anger. Perhaps that was short-sighted of me. And I am finding myself a bit lonely now. And curious to know how things turned out for you.

Maybe this is a silly message. But if you are interested in reconnecting let me know.

[The guy who in a professional capacity would probably "accidentally" cut off my right foot instead of removing my appendix]


(and I said hit me baby, one more time)

thank you craigslist

The follow up to that job interview......

Ever seen when they make the girls on "America's Next Top Model" sell random products to them while they attack them? Now imagine its Van Diesel and you are shut in the basement with him for 40 min. Welcome to the scariest job interview I have ever had. I'm getting under the bed and I am not coming out

thank you craigslist

Even though no longer on match.com, who needs dates when one can have job interviews?

It was an interview for a personal assistant with the CEO of the fitness industry. The first thing he says to me as he places his beefy unclad arms around his head displaying his Van Dieslish muscles is: "I hope I do not smell, I was working out right before you got here. You do not smell me? That's good, I do not usually smell. I am not a smelly guy, I don't know why."
It was all downhill from there. He monologued about himself for 30 minutes straight. without asking me a single question. He kept interrupting himself to tell me about how the computer has a virus which threatens to take a picture of him unless he types a passcode in. He told me about all his projects and then about his failed television slot. After 1/2 he asks for my resume. He takes one look at it. Discovers that I have not been a personal assistant before and asks me why I came to the interview. His old personal assistant Charlotte looked at my application and sent me. He keeps telling "There must be some reason why Charlotte sent you.........." He tells me sell myself. One of the positive things I say about myself is that I am a fast thinker. Throughout the last part of the interview he would ask me multiplication questions to test this.

"So, are you still dancing? WHAT IS 7 X 7???????!!!!!!!! Why would you be good for this job? WHAT IS 3 X 4?????!!!!!"

The last thing he says to me is, "There must be some reason why Charlotte sent you..." I walk out of his office at 3:40. I get a text at 3:43 "Hello Emily, this is Jeff. Can you come back for a follow up interview tonight?"

thanks again

Sometimes I still get text messages at 3 AM from unknown numbers that say:
VEGAS FUCKIN ROCKS!!@@!!!

and I say Thank you, match.com

ps

A number that came back from the dead, I do not know who it is or whether I met him or not. Should never have deleted all those numbers. But my friend says that it is mean to unfriend so it is the only form of self-expression that I have. He asked me how I was, if I was done with my yoga master training, and if I was still in restaurants. I called him out on the fact that I was not training to be a jedi, and then proceeded to complain that I was still in restaurants. And then he asked me if I knew all the hot spots. I said no. I do not, never have, and never know the hot spots.
(I hate the night life, baby.
And I am not a NYC tour guide.)
I asked if he knew all the hot spots. He said no, that it was too cold. He said we should go out, when it was warm.
He said warmer was near to 60 to 50. So if an unknown number asks me out in a couple of months, I will say yes.
He seems my type of guy. (A bear.) Hibernation, this is what I like to hear.

speed dating backlash

Two friends who are girls go speed dating together. Almost all of the guys are insane. They like the same guy. One girl says: "Oh, you like that guy? Okay, you date him then." The other girl says: "Oh no, I have a good feeling about you guys, you go ahead and date him." So she does, but the other girl picks him as well. They tell each other their dating plans, and also fight about which one he likes more. "Oh, no, its YOU, guys only take girls dancing who they REALLY like, he's just taking me to dinner." The first girl really, really likes the guy after their date, but she is afraid that she made such as ass of herself on the first date that he will not be interested in her, and that will make her very upset. She realizes that her standards have been very low for men, and that this guy is way better than all of the men online and her ex boyfriend, and that she needs to raise her standards, although they are religiously incompatible. She tells her friend that the date went badly, even though she liked him. She was just so nervous because she wanted him to like her so much that she attempted to eat fish with chop sticks and in general acted like a character that should be played by drew barrymore. Her roommate advises her to tell her friend not to date him, but she won't do it because she does not want to be a dog in the manager and not have her friend date him because she was such an awkward mess. She is pretty such that he will not call her again. Her speed dating friend responds in text message with: "I just bought a new sports bar and it gives me more cleavage than a push up, I need to find an outfit that goes with it, is he tall enough for me to wear heels? I don't remember." This makes her cry hysterically. Her friend sends another text saying "Oh, its sooo slippery out, I'm going to kill myself wearing heels." The girl does not respond with "Good" but she thinks it.

The premise of a bad chick flick, or my actual life? You decide and I'll tell you if you're right.

the walrus said....

The end has come.

If you are ever on match.com, although, in fact, this will probably not apply, since everyone who is reading this will have not only read this blog, but is everyone who reads this blog is my friend, and none of my friends are ever single, do not forget to read the fine print. If you pay for 6 months and go for the 6 month guarantee, they will not tell you, or give you a count down.

Just one day I logged on, and it was all gone. The sexual predators, the stream of consciousness guys, the Tarzans, the script writers, the men petting large cats, all gone.

There is a void. Not only do I love my blog, but every night I come home, I check the gmail, I do a little face stalk, and then, nothing. There used to be so much more.

But not for the entertainment, not even for the blog can I justify the money.

We will all muddle through, somehow